How to make a Progressive Alliance actually fucking work

There’s an idea for elections called the “Progressive Alliance”. This is the not-Conservative parties working together to block the Conservative party getting a majority.

There are 3 problems with this.

  1. The “progressive left”  can’t organise for shit. The Right shut the fuck up and follow orders, knowing they’re on a mission. But because the left respect everyone’s freedom to make an unpressured and chakra-warming decision it’s a fucking nightmare getting anything done
  2. If the Conservatives can only be conquered if every other party teams up to fight them… well you might as well just call it the “Coalition of Losers”. But now imagine if there IS a Progressive Alliance and then they lose.  Can you IMAGINE the field day the Daily Mail would have with that! It’d be a pretty fucking massive blow to everyone’s self-esteem. Would YOU keep on fighting after that? Fucking losers!
  3. And what happens after the election? If they can’t organise to work together for mutual benefit on one day in June, then the next 5 years are going to be embarrassing slapstick.

So how to make a Progressive Alliance actually fucking work*? Here’s what our crack team of political advisors recommend saying:

  1. This election is a fucking sham.  It was called not for the benefit of democracy, or of the benefit of the citizens of this country, but purely for the benefit of the Conservative party.  Fuck that shit. Democracy and debate is important and makes for better policy. Just because there isn’t a decent opposition right now doesn’t mean that debate is dead. The people of the United Kingdom deserve more respect and consideration. This isn’t fucking Turkey.
  2. Conservatives don’t give a shit about voters. First-past-the-post voting means the vast majority of voters will not get the candidate they voted for. That’s fucked up. It a brazen and insulting lie to call it a fucking ‘majority’ when you get 1/3rd of the vote. The decisions in the next Parliament are WAY TOO FUCKING IMPORTANT for it to be just one party railroading whatever shit they want. This isn’t fucking Russia, either.

  3. Pass TWO NEW LAWS to fix the broken system THEN call another election and we can do this shit properly.

  4. Law 1: Proportional Representation in all elections and referendums so that your vote actually fucking counts. Look at this fucking graph.  The top one matches the bottom one – as it should – meaning that we would get what they voted for. But WHERE THE FUCK DID THE MIDDLE GRAPH COME FROM? That’s batshit fucking crazy. Look at all those fucking Scots! And .. Jesus fucking Christ that’s ridiculous – No WONDER people who vote for anything that isn’t red or blue are pissed off.

  5. Law 2: Make referendum law match General Election law. The enquiry isn’t complete, but is extremely likely that both Leave and Remain would have been disqualified if they’d told those same lies and use the same tactics during a General Election. It is an odd legal loophole which allowed them to get away with it and this should never happen again. Trust in politicians is at an all time low, and it’s bullshit like this which explains it.

* This may be a spectacularly fucking stupid set of ideas. What the fuck do we know? Tell you what though, it sounds good in a pub, and that strategy worked pretty fucking well for Nigel Farage.