Terrorist = stupid wasp. Bull = stung politician. Everything you cherish but take for granted = china shop. 

No terrorist has ever overturned my human rights, taken away my freedom, or demanded access to all my communications.

How to make a Progressive Alliance actually fucking work

There’s an idea for elections called the “Progressive Alliance”. This is the not-Conservative parties working together to block the Conservative party getting a majority.

There are 3 problems with this.

  1. The “progressive left”  can’t organise for shit. The Right shut the fuck up and follow orders, knowing they’re on a mission. But because the left respect everyone’s freedom to make an unpressured and chakra-warming decision it’s a fucking nightmare getting anything done
  2. If the Conservatives can only be conquered if every other party teams up to fight them… well you might as well just call it the “Coalition of Losers”. But now imagine if there IS a Progressive Alliance and then they lose.  Can you IMAGINE the field day the Daily Mail would have with that! It’d be a pretty fucking massive blow to everyone’s self-esteem. Would YOU keep on fighting after that? Fucking losers!
  3. And what happens after the election? If they can’t organise to work together for mutual benefit on one day in June, then the next 5 years are going to be embarrassing slapstick.

So how to make a Progressive Alliance actually fucking work*? Here’s what our crack team of political advisors recommend saying:

  1. This election is a fucking sham.  It was called not for the benefit of democracy, or of the benefit of the citizens of this country, but purely for the benefit of the Conservative party.  Fuck that shit. Democracy and debate is important and makes for better policy. Just because there isn’t a decent opposition right now doesn’t mean that debate is dead. The people of the United Kingdom deserve more respect and consideration. This isn’t fucking Turkey.
  2. Conservatives don’t give a shit about voters. First-past-the-post voting means the vast majority of voters will not get the candidate they voted for. That’s fucked up. It a brazen and insulting lie to call it a fucking ‘majority’ when you get 1/3rd of the vote. The decisions in the next Parliament are WAY TOO FUCKING IMPORTANT for it to be just one party railroading whatever shit they want. This isn’t fucking Russia, either.

  3. Pass TWO NEW LAWS to fix the broken system THEN call another election and we can do this shit properly.

  4. Law 1: Proportional Representation in all elections and referendums so that your vote actually fucking counts. Look at this fucking graph.  The top one matches the bottom one – as it should – meaning that we would get what they voted for. But WHERE THE FUCK DID THE MIDDLE GRAPH COME FROM? That’s batshit fucking crazy. Look at all those fucking Scots! And .. Jesus fucking Christ that’s ridiculous – No WONDER people who vote for anything that isn’t red or blue are pissed off.

  5. Law 2: Make referendum law match General Election law. The enquiry isn’t complete, but is extremely likely that both Leave and Remain would have been disqualified if they’d told those same lies and use the same tactics during a General Election. It is an odd legal loophole which allowed them to get away with it and this should never happen again. Trust in politicians is at an all time low, and it’s bullshit like this which explains it.

* This may be a spectacularly fucking stupid set of ideas. What the fuck do we know? Tell you what though, it sounds good in a pub, and that strategy worked pretty fucking well for Nigel Farage.

 

Be a decent fucking human being.

News today: a plane full of selfish fuckers would rather let a man be dragged off a plane and blame the airline than volunteer to delay their journey by a few hours.

I wonder who else we can blame for stuff tomorrow?

And YES OBVIOUSLY it’s not cool to drag ANYONE off a plane but today 80 Spartacuses chose to huff and tweet than remember that they benefit from the affordable tickets delivered by the overbooking protocol and timely departures.

Fucking twats.

Wait.. it gets worse. How could it be worse? Because before this one chap was dragged off EVERY passenger was offered $800 if they got off the plane and took a later flight. Which means everyone would rather sacrifice $800 and watch this than be part of a decent civilised society.

Fucked up. Totally fucked up.

If I were United Airlines I’d be tempted to kick everyone off never let any of them on one of my flights again.

Apart from that guy. He’d get free flights forever now because those security guards were out of order.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-39554421
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-39556910

Fuck Brexit.

Fake news didn’t lose the election. Not being able to tell the fucking difference did.

When reality is that fucked up it’s no fucking surprise that people want Something Else. And of course democracy isn’t working – it needs us to show up and maintain it. And rather than protesting tax abuses, or going on strike to stop austerity, or coming out to support the NHS / rest of the fabric of society, we were too busy thinking it was someone else’s problem.

News is not entertainment. It can be entertaining, accessible, interesting, and funny. But it is NOT enterfuckingtainment.

You know how right now you’re waiting for the aliens to arrive and tell us to get our fucking shit together or else?

Maybe we are the aliens. #plotTwist

Seriously though, get on the fucking case. This is on you now. Humanity is (almost) fucking fucked because Drake’s equation is true: most intelligent species fail to adapt their society’s quickly enough to accommodate their technology and end up screwing up their civilisations and never making it beyond the “clever monkey” phase.

If you’re doing something right now that’s not ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RIGHT ON FUCKING POINT then: Stop. Stop. Pause. Wait. Breathe deeply. Okay.

You’re here once. You’re on this planet, doing this thing once. You have one chance not to fuck this up. That just got a LOT harder because some gameshow cunt gamed the shit show that is modern democracy.

Whilst that’d be fucking sweet if it was Elon Musk, it isn’t. It’s some myopic egomaniac who thinks that he can ignore the laws of physics.

So it turns out you’re now needed to do things you never expected to do. You need to work harder, smarter, and more strategically, with more commitment than you ever expected.

And right now that means look at your work: are you doing something useful, brilliantly? If so, carry on, and thank you. If not – if you have one little inkling of doubt that perhaps your job isn’t really helping move civilisation forward then here’s what you need to do:

1. Think of where and how you can be most useful
2. Contact those people and volunteer to help. Make yourself useful.
3. Get offered a job.
4. Quit your current job.

That’d be really, really good.

Feels dramatic, doesn’t it? OF FUCKING COURSE IT DOES. THAT’S WHERE WE’RE AT.

Kloveyouthxbye.

Like going to coffee shops? Then take a fucking mug with you.

Starbucks will give you 25p off. Caffe Nero will probably give you a few extra loyalty stamps if you ask nicely. Or if you go to an independent hipster joint you can earn their eternal respect for having some actual fucking authenticity in your commitment to not being a paper-cup chucking sociopath.

Or if you have any fucking dignity you’ll make your own fucking coffee and stop pissing your money away to prop-up the facade of your sitcom lifestyle.

In fact, if the link still works you can probably even drink it from a goodfuckingidea mug. But then everyone will know you’re a consumerist groupie and you’ll be shunned. 

Fuck it. Bomb the bastards.

The attacks in Paris have been pretty galvanising. It really brings home the reality of what a small group of people can do it if they have the zeal and resources. It’s startling to realise that these people think they can come into a free society and so abuse the freedoms we enjoy.. to make us frightened of our fellow humans… that they think that they can solve problems with an ideological violence.. and that we’ll just sit back and accept it!!

Well they’re right. Because we do accept it. More than that, my compatriots fucking VOTED FOR IT.

How fucking hard is it to understand that if you destroy people’s lives they will probably bear a grudge? How fucking hard is it to understand that if you help people with solar power, clean water, education, and healthcare they’ll probably not want to kill you? How fucking hard is it to realise that if we keep fail to develop our own renewable energy we’ll keep buying the oil which funds all this fucking shit?

So after 30 years of being astonished that this shit goes on year after fucking year, I’m done. You know what – crack on. Bomb the fuckers. These single minded puritanical fuckwits WILL NOT STOP until they realise their decisions have consequences.

But, like you, we’re powerless and pissed off, so please don’t bomb us. Bomb the people who we both hate. Bomb Osborne. Bomb Hunt. Bomb May. Bomb Foges. And then together we can be rid of these ass-hats who are fucking it up for everyone.

Nothing is fucking binary.

Are you Democrat or Republican? Are you on the Left or Right? Are you in my caste, or not?

The saying “divide and conquer” is absolutely correct. Split us into groups, and we will fight amongst ourselves, ignoring that we are conquered by those who keep those divisions alive.

And so it is that our infrastructure is privatised, our air is polluted, our genes are patented, and our defences ruled ‘illegal’ whilst we fight about if they should be painted blue or red.

The issues which divide are a pathetically small in comparison to the challenges which unite us.

Talk to your friends about anthropogenic climate change, peak oil, modern democracies, and sustainable economic models. If you don’t, Rupert Murdoch will.

And then we’ll be even more fucked.

Seriously, do have those conversations. You’ll be surprised how many people you know are blissfully ignorant, and thereby making your pain worse. If they knew how much the reality they’re ignoring hurts you, they’d probably pay attention.

Dear sex change dude/tte – thanks for being a media whore and distracting us all from the things we’re supposed to be focusing on.

You and kittens have a LOT to answer for.

P2P Tamagotchi healthcare.

Rather than looking after stupid electronic giblets, we look after each other via anonymous apps and shit. Just riff on the idea. I don’t fucking know. It sounds good, though, right?

Let people arriving in the country help themselves to all the stuff they fucking confiscate when you go through customs.

Fuck you, social media media bubble, for giving us false hope.

Things like the EU magicing £834,000,000,000 into existence to give to fucking banks makes me want to tear my fucking eyeballs out.

Wait. Not my eyeballs. Theirs. Fucking, short-sighted, naive, spineless, mindless arrogant fucks.

Winter = porridge. It fucking rocks.

Tip: soak it with fruit and nuts the night before and it will be naturally sweet and gloriously tasty.

Get a fucking hobby.

And if you can sell the things you make, so much the better.

The pen is mightier than the sword. But the sword really nailed the business model thing, which rather undermines the pen. Fuck modern economics.

Unfrack yourself

Fewer than 50% of Brits support #fracking, yet 98% fund it by not switching energy supplier.

Unfrack yourself, and share. Lots.

Anyone who has more than three uninsulated properties by 2016 has them nationalised.

There, solved employment, fracking, and nuclear power with one policy. Tips to my election campaign welcome.

“Jade Rabbit” is a fucking great name for a spacecraft.

Meanwhile over at NASA.. “Guys I’ve GOT IT!! Let’s call the next one Apollo EIGHTEEN!!!”

“This combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.”

Carl Sagan. What a fucking hero.

It would cost only $0.07 per day to make coffee completely fucking awesome.

If coffee were priced FAIRLY, RESPONSIBLY, SUSTAINABLY, it would cost only $0.07 more / cup IF it were produced using agro-ecological (ie pretty darned sustainable) methods.

If it was farmed using conventional techniques, like those dominant now, it would cost $0.12 more. So.. er.. what the fuck are we waiting for exactly?

Great fucking fact from True Price

No matter how well you play musical chairs, it’s still a shit game in which most people lose.

And yes, that is a metaphor for debt-based money, businesses based on growth, and consumption.

Fracking is powered by 98% of Britons. (NOT the other way around.)

In Britain, 98% of us buy their energy from just six energy suppliers. We think that must be right, because.. well because 98% of us are doing it. We’re wrong.

Do you buy energy from British Gas, E.on, SSE, EDF, NPower, or Scottish Power?

If you do – and forgive me, there’s no way to sugar-coat this – you are funding fracking. Which is to say your money is polluting water supplies and aquifers, destroying landscapes, and making a few people rich. Meanwhile, and more importantly, it’s NOT being invested in renewable energy supplies. Any fracked gas WILL run out before you die. The sun / wind / rain / tides will be here for another 4+ billion years.

Here’s a site which helps you switch. It takes only 3 minutes and you don’t need meter readings or account numbers. www.unfrack.me

More fucking swings.

Paint wind turbines to look like flowers

Escape the fucking city.

www.escapethecity.org

Feel free to shoot these senators.

These spineless little fuckers just failed not just every American, but every human being who would rather not be shot. So if you have a gun and some time on your hands it would seem that justice might be served if they all happened to be shot in the next 6 months? Not killed, you understand, just shot where it would cripple them for a few years.

Then let’s vote again and see how it turns out.

Alexander (R-TN)
Ayotte (R-NH)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Baucus (D-MT)
Begich (D-AK)
Blunt (R-MO)
Boozman (R-AR)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coats (R-IN)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Crapo (R-ID)
Cruz (R-TX)
Enzi (R-WY)
Fischer (R-NE)
Flake (R-AZ)
Graham (R-SC)
Grassley (R-IA)
Hatch (R-UT)
Heitkamp (D-ND)
Heller (R-NV)
Hoeven (R-ND)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Johnson (R-WI)
Lee (R-UT)
McConnell (R-KY)
Moran (R-KS)
Murkowski (R-AK)
Paul (R-KY)
Portman (R-OH)
Pryor (D-AR)
Reid (D-NV)
Risch (R-ID)
Roberts (R-KS)
Rubio (R-FL)
Scott (R-SC)
Sessions (R-AL)
Shelby (R-AL)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Wicker (R-MS)

Source: http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/roll_call_vote_cfm.cfm?congress=113&session=1&vote=00097#position

We must remember our duty to Nature before it is too late. That duty is constant. It is never completed. It lives on as we breathe. It endures as we eat and sleep, work and rest, as we are born and as we pass away.

Margaret Thatcher, 1929 – 2013.

Every premature death is a tragedy.

Fatalities by type on a single day in the USA.

Road vehicles 88 *
Suicides 53 *
Guns 30 *
IED 3 **

* every single fucking day
** one-off

Sources: http://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars/fatal.html

A basic fucking income

The whole point of the industrial revolution was more leisure time and better use of resources, right? Well that didn’t work very fucking well did it? Rather than enjoying abundance and sharing the work around we just have more unemployed people.

This is about to get much worse. Much,  much worse. One word for you: robots.

Yep, robots gun tukk arrr jobs. Well, most of them. And trust me this is going to happen. If you don’t think so you haven’t been paying attention, which is fair enough because you’ve been busy – because you’ve been failed by the industrial revolution.

Now we could, I have no doubt, think of more things for ourselves to do, create jobs which don’t really need doing, and continue the race to be more competitive than the next man.

Or we could say “Hot damn! We’ve arrived! WE. ARE. CLEVER! High five everyone!! Now how about we all enjoy the fruits of these labours and work out how to live peaceably with this abundance? For,  look, we have EVERYTHING! The future is here! We have arrived, this is what we were aiming for and this is it!”

And someone will say, “yes, but what we will do about money?”

And you will turn around and say, “Basic fucking income, bro! We all get issued money, enough to just about live on, and so only that which needs doing gets done!”

Which is, of course, a fucking brilliant idea and already used in Norway and Alaska to name but two.

There’s an EU petition afoot to do as little social experiment on how feasible this is, so would you sign up?

The peaceful populations of North Korea, Israel, Pakistan, and Iran might like to get their shit together into a velvet revolution right about now.

You have to stop being wrong before setting the world to rights.

Don’t let your possessions possess you.

Try not to fly.

What incredible shit we put up with most of our lives. The domestic routine. The stupid and useless and degrading jobs. The insufferable arroagance of elected officials. The crafty cheating and slimy advertising of the businessman. The tedious wars in which we kill our buddies instead of our real enemies back home in the capital. The foul diseased and hideous cities and towns we live in. The constant petty tyranny of automatic washers, and automobiles,and TVs and telephones. Oh Christ what intolerable garbage and utterly useless crap we bury ourselves in day by day.

Edward Abbey, Desert Solitaire.

The very fact that the word ‘misanthropy’ exists is quite a statement.

Though it’s also a high-five for the richness of language that we have a word to describe this.

Egypt: have a National Day of Psychonautics and then hurry up and write your constitution. It’ll be fucking brilliant and you can show the world that a renaissance built on peace, love, forgiveness, and togetherness is not only possible but incredibly potent.

Regulate the press, food industry, banks, energy companies, rail companies, utility companies, and every one else who does important work which they seem to fuck up if left to their own devices.

Or just make it simple, change the basic rules and set us on a good course for the future, and make triple bottom line accounting the norm.

Fuck fairy tales. Make happy endings come true in reality. Please.

Play God. Especially on Sundays when (s)he rested.

333 years. That’s how long we’d have to run Comic Relief to pay for ONE nuclear submarine. Government irresponsibility is not funny.

I’m ashamed of myself. Yesterday I gave money to Comic Relief.

I should stick to my principles more closely, because we must stop letting these political morons off the hook.

It seems there’s always PLENTY of money for stupid fucked up stuff like HS2, Trident, wars, and running races, but when it comes to actually running a civil society – which is, let’s not forget, the whole fucking point of Government – it seems that whoops! the purse is empty.

And saps lap it up and feel good for giving to charity. NO NO NO. We should feel shit that we HAVE to give to charity because those pompous short-sighted ideological bastards have fucked it up AGAIN.

There’s a budget coming up this week. Might I ask that we storm Parliament and put some heads on spikes?

Pull both zips on your backpack around to one side, not together at the top.

I thought it was fucking obvious, but so many people are walking around with their bags slipping open under their own weight.

Be awesome, spread the word.

If you’re an idiot, don’t go out if it’s snowing.

All these poor bastards were stuck on the roads in the ‘snow’ recently because a couple of morons up front couldn’t drive in snow.

A word to the stupid people out there: if you can’t drive in snow / the dark / rain, then please don’t go out if the weather looks set to be a challenge for you.

Idea for a new law: if you and your car causes people to be stuck in their cars overnight, then you’re banned from driving for 2 years.

Fuck for the forest.

Yes, it’s real.  They make erotic films, put them online and use the profits to save the world. That, my friends, is fucking inspired.

h/t GlobalCool.

Fuck Wonga.

” Treasury-commissioned research from Bristol University has concluded that consumers are being harmed because of serious problems in the market, our correspondent adds.” Stupid fucking free market.

Let ME decide when to open the fucking washing machine door.

Self-righteous little fucker won’t open because it thinks I’ll spill water all over the place. Well let me tell you something, WashingMachine, THERE ISN’T ANY WATER IN YOU. Now open the fucking door before I get a hammer.